VIRUS ALERT!

VIRUS ALERT!

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses!

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes his presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: This virus promises to reduce the load taxing your computer system, but instead taxes your system heavily and then tells you it reduced your deficit because it didn't tax your system as much as it had planned.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know its guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. Warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:\.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

PRO-CHOICE VIRUS: This virus believes it has the right to choose to terminate any file IT deems inconvenient.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but you can't figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in the Twin Cities, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

TITANIC VIRUS: Makes your whole computer go down.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS: Appears helpful, only to later destroy your hard drive.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS: Won't let you into any of your programs.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

X-FILES VIRUS: All your Icons start shape-shifting.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Searches for old files and deletes them.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS: Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.